Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I am introducing "Lyrical Tuesday" to my blog because I want to share with readers songs and lyrics that bring out any feeling in me. Here is my first song, I cannot hear it enough. Recently I have made a few discoveries about myself that were hard to realize.
Though my whole life I had dreams of becoming a mother and wife, I also had dreams of being well known, a fast paced smart woman. I threw the latter dream out the window back in 2001 when I thought that I would soon be a wife and mother. Turns out I was wrong. Distraught, alone, and heartsick I scrambled to put back the pieces of my broken self. Three years later, I met my hubsy and my dream of being a mom and wife came true.
Here's the kicker.
I thought that dream was big enough to sustain me, to kind of "phase" out the old dream, but it just keeps burning inside me. So hot in fact, that anytime I see or hear anything from back before I crumbled I begin crying ridiculously. I cannot for the life of me remember what that old feeling is like. To be the no-fear-I-am-going-to-be-somebody-just-you-wait girl who held life by the balls and took everything she wanted. Somewhere between heartbreak, marriage, and mommyhood she got so lost not even the biggest breadcrumbs would lead her back.
For Christmas this year, my mother bought me a 1995 teal Mustang. Every time I drive her, I am reminded of my former self, and each time I find a breadcrumb. I feel the confidance rising again, and talked with hubsy about returning to college to pursue the dream I had back then: Journalism/Communications; another breadcrumb.
I know the road will be long and hard - Lo's whimper just reminded me again - and it will be tough to balance, but I cannot be unfair to the girl who graduated with superior dreams and motivation. In order to be the best wife and mother, my other half has to be sustained as well. So listen to the song and feel whatever you feel, I will be sitting here putting together my pile of breadcrumbs.
****I suggest you push play to hear the song while reading it.****
Glitter In The Air
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don’t care?
It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the ice burg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
La La La La La La La La
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Monday, December 29, 2008
I was woken up by my daughter running into my room, hubsy right on her heels fully clothed. "Why are you dressed?" I asked with my squeaking morning voice. "I went into the office to reset all the servers," he said. "Annnn we went shopping mommy." Love my baby girl to tell on her daddy.
So anyhoo, hubsy tells me it is 1 PM! Holy freaking cow. 1 PM? I could have seriously kept on sleeping, but I didn't want to sleep the whole day away, so I got up.
I took my medicine according to the chart. (If you aren't sure what I am talking about you can read about my surrogacy journey here.) This medicine has really really started getting to me. I was so tired less than two hours of being awake, that I told hubsy I was going to take a nap. I slept for 3 more hours! i cannot believe it.
Tomorrow, I have to get bloodwork and an ultrasound, (again check out the above link) and possibly work over a 9 hour shift at VS. I am not looking too forward to that because my head gets dizzy and headach-y with the meds let alone with getting my blood taken. Plus, this is the 3 time I have had blood drawn in the past 6 days! That is alot. Ugh.
So its 1:15 and I guess I better get to bed. Check on y'all later!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Me: "I am thinking about going to Mizzou for Journalism."
LTP Counselor: "Great school, have fun"
That was basically it, I wasn't guided in the correct way, nor was I helped out in the planning. See in my highschool, if you weren't in her "Fave 5" circle, you didn't get much attention.
Hubsy and I have decided I am going to go back to school for my first true passion, and I am going to start practicing writing more. I need to remember how I used to get my wit onto paper, and remember all my grammar! Yikes! I think I am in for a bumpy ride.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Things have been so off with my husband and I lately due to my lack of job. Things aroung the house have been slacking, and definantly the funds have been missing. But today however all that changed.
Hubs and I had made peace with the idea that our 2 year old daughter LO, was going to have a meager Christmas this year from us. We basically had a little over $50 to spend, and it was most likely going to be spent buying an ELMO live doll that she reluctantly agreed to allow Santa to bring. (Up until now, she refused the idea of scarey Santa coming into her house. It was only when I told her he would come while she was sleeping, leave her a toy of her choosing, and she wouldn't have to see him that she finally agreed to it.)We decided to go out this afternoon and buy what we could, so as we were eating breakfast (Hubs cooks a fantastic breakfast on the weekends) we began to plan our shopping trip. That is when my mother called.
"Good morning Libert, what are you doing"
"Eating eggs and hash browns"
"What do you have planned for today"
"We were thinking about going Christmas shopping since LO is at Hubs' parents' house"
"Great, I was thinking of doing that too, wanna go together and you can tell me all you want to buy for baby LO?"
I got so excited. Hubs and I quickly finished our food and headed the 45 minutes to my mom's to pick her up. I said hello to my brother and sister, and started excitedly talking about what we hoped to get. Then we all piled into our Jeep and headed up to Crestwood.
When we got to Toys R Us, it was a madhouse. First off, we did not have a plan. We didn't have anything in mind to buy other than ELMO, and got stuck in every toy aisle imaginable. Things were being thrown in our cart then pulled back out as we couldn't decide what to buy. After finding out our budget was- - -$400- - - and after the shock wore off, we had two VERY FULL carts of toys for LO and for my 5 year old sister. Here are some of the things we got for LO.
You & Me Baby- Change My Diaper Mommy
We also got her some furniture to go in this house, but you get the idea.
And a few other things that total $400 like a Leapster2, a Graco baby set, and lots of fun things. My mom picked this one especially for her.
I may be a bit behind the curve on the Christmas to do list, but today, when leaving the store a felt full of excitement and relief. I couldn't stop smiling as we walked out, then I could't stop crying because my baby girl was going to have a great Christmas, and that is all that matters to me.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I have been having so much fun helping men in the store. I have had a man come up to exchange 5 tiny v sting panties. When I giggled an asked if he picked them himself. He said "yup, and when she opened them, she said 'you dummie, i don't wear these!'" Then I had a man spend over $300 for his wife for Christmas. It's just so fun to see how people choose things, and how many things there are and different colors and different styles. I love it.
Now let's see how I feel next week.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Oh yea, and referrals get 25% of their session fee! Keep them coming!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I went on a second interview yesterday, for a marketing complany whom I had high hopes for. I was told the company worked with non profit organizations to help get the word out. I was told I would be going to a live event, and seeing how things were done. I was excited.
I followed J to the "event" which was further away than I had planned for; wonder if the job includes mileage reimbursement; and was a little shocked when we pulled into the "Office Depot" parking lot. J informs me that we will set up just outside the door, pulled out a table and tub-o-stuff and lead me to our spot. He set up the table with a table cloth, banner, and then the goods that I assumed we would be handing out. NOPE, I was wrong.
We were not handing out these good for the non-profit organization. We were selling them, AND not only that "we" were making profit from it. Um, HELLO, that is not what I thought was going to happen. J continued to make sales pitches to everyone that walked by with cheezy CHEEZY sayings, "There she is, I have been waiting for you all day!" to one woman who honestly looked like a pimp in purple velvet. He kept swtiching the prices of all the items to sell as many things as he could. BIG RED FLAG!
After a couple of hours with this, he took me to lunch, where I was to buy my own lunch, and he was to tell me how we get paid. I didn't buy lunch, and he told me that the hours are 9:00 AM to 7 PM, and basically we would be doing this over and over each day. That they were not paid hourly or salary, but are given 35% of our sales. um, WHAT!? Needless to say, I did not take the position. It all seemed too much like a scam, not to mention the way they "recruited" us as sellers, then we would get promoted to trainers, then to managers, then we would get our own campaigne, under a different company name, and start the process all over again. I mean, its too much like consultant based sales and tier profits for me.
So the hunt continues. If anyone out there has a job opening, send it my way!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
So all you have to do is click the link below, sign up your email address and choose between referral program or points program (I chose referral because you only need referrals and not to complete those long advertiser programs, plus this way, we just all sign up and help each other get the free stuff!) and viola, FREE STUFF!!
So, if you would be so kind as to help a sister out, just click the link and you too can get something nifty and free this holiday.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
I have my clothes picked out; fade blue jeans and my DZ Alumna Voters tee. My coffee maker is set to auto brew at 6 AM, early enough for the morning news and poll updates. I have my Obama button laid out and ready (yes, GObama is getting my vote) and my registration card magneted to the refrigerator.
Tomorrow I will take part in making history, I will do my part to help a black man FINALLY be given the equal chance at running this messy country. Here's to change, here's to hope, and here is to those of you out there voting!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Working. . . I mean, I am at work.
Designing new business cards
Designing my business website
Writing a good post for the blog
Writing a post for my business blog
Um, did I mention working?
Monday, September 22, 2008
Or maybe, just maybe, my DVR has finally freed me from your stronghold and I am able to live my life as it should be. Spending precious moments with my daughter, creating irreplaceable memories with my husband, and taking each day as it comes with a spontenaity that can only be found by not following a schedule.
Relax, Serena & Blair, I will see you soon. Don't cry Grisom, Tyra, and Probst. You all have a reserved spot in my heart, and on my hard drive. . . but for now. I am off to snuggle my baby to sleep.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
One time, while trying to get student aide through the FAFSA, I was audited and required to get info from the IRS regarding my mothers yearly income tax. My mother, sweet as she is, believes sometimes in funny conspiracies and would not for the life of her, call and request the information. I called the IRS many times begging for them to just give me the information. I had all her credentials (SS #, address and so on-- oddly enough supplied by her to help get the info, though she refused to get on the phone) to gain access, but was still denied. Finally the day of the audit, I called the IRS and pleaded one more time. When refused, I asked 'could I get the information if my mom just got on the phone for a minute', the answer was yes. In true pressure style, I "called out" to my mother; who at the time wasn't even in the same city as me; switched my voice a bit and did my best impersonation to get the information faxed to the financial aide office.
In relationships, I have never been 'ok' with being "ok". When things are going smoothly, things are seemingly perfect and normal, I can feel my skind crawling with an awkwardness. I start fights, seek out drama, or if I cannot find it, I create it. To me, this "controlled chaos" makes me feel normal. Makes me feel ok, familiar. I attribute this to my chaotic upbringing, which is a tale far to involved and too long for this one post. In a nut shell, I was raised by a single mother who was just 23 when left with 2 daughters under 5. We moved almost every two years, met more boyfriends that I can count, and on more than one occasion played pretend in the back seat of a car on the side of the road to pass the time while mom napped in the driver's seat.
It may be hard for you to believe now, but though I do well with chaos and pressure, out of the majority of my family, I am the most normal. I finally have a good, steady job, a hardworking and loving husband, and a beautfiul 2 year old daughter. We live in a small town, in a nice house, and enjoy creating memories while looking forward to the things to come in the future. We do not live paycheck to paycheck, have never gone without electricy or water, and have never had any real crisis' thank GOD. It's strange sometimes for me to look at some other people in my family, I think 'why are they ok with this type of life'.
Sitting here in my living room, with all the windows open, fan blowing and crickets chirping, I am reminded of how wonderful my life is. That under this roof I have all I have ever wanted, and I am truly alive and blessed. I have been through some semi tough times- I know many have been throw worse- but have come out pretty unjaded. I still cry when I see someone standing at the light with a cardboard sign (why is it BTW the sign is always cardboard?) catch my breath with there is someone on tv saying "I love you" and I still want to save the world, one chaotic life at a time.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Anyway, DH is playing some XBOX game, and I am listening to my audiobook version of "Love the One Your With" I am almost finished with it, and feel like it is totally paralleling my recent months with my ex. I am actually eager to get to the end, to see what the herione does in the story. Not that I can or will change my decisions that I have made in my situation, but it still I would like to know.
This week has been so long, I am happy to be in the weekend. I have some things planned this weekend, but still will be able to relax. Tomorrow is mainly cleanup day. Planning on cleaning my house and getting ready for Sunday. The day of all days. Football season starts and I am also having a partylite party. We are having over family and friends, and having barbeque and fun snacks. I am a new football fan, just started actively following it last year. DH and his family are huge football celebrators, mostly following Favre and the Packers. Though now, we are going to be cheering on the Jets as well. I have bought poster boards and paint, to make signs to cheer on our teams. My brother cheers the Panthers, and my stepdad cheers the Dolphins. We have the Sunday ticket and HDTV so it should be fun for all.
Partylite should be good too, though I accidentally spent all my money tonight at good ole WalMart. I need/want to get some candles for my hanging sconces, and of course this thought was lost in my mind somewhere while I added clearance compositions, tank tops, nail polish, and other goodies into my cart. I never add anything up in my head, and had no idea how much things would cost. But sure enough, I spent all my fun extra money at Walmart, and not on Partylite.
Third glass of wine now and things are starting to spin a bit and my thoughts are swirling. Man, I sure am a cheap drunk!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I was so excited the other day, to have some yummy vine tomatoes with my oven roasted home made sandwich. So I had DH take me to the local grocer and I picked up the juiciest bag I could fine. Once home I made the subs, and then proceded to slice the tomatoes directly onto the cheese side, without rinsing them. **What?? Everyone knows those little sprinkler things clean it enough!** So anyway after eating dinner, I saw on the news that tomatoes are the newest food scare and they are carrying Salmonella!!! Yikes!!!
Ok, soooo Mad Cow, E-Coli, Salmonella. . . all on foods we are supposed to eat to keep us healthy. Good grief. I never hear anyone say "Recall on chocolate doughnuts, Mad Hatter icing sends whole country to the hospital" Maybe we should all eat junk food to live longer!! For crying out loud!!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Have you ever seen someone “fly fish”. Unlike normal fishing where the line is cast, and reeled slowly in, during fly fishing the line is cast in a more whip-like motion. Once the fly touches the water it is then immediately snapped back in. Sometimes, I wish desperately that I was a fly fisher with the ability to whip my line back in immediately after it has been cast. On the end of my line however is not a fly, it is my words. Yep, that’s right. Sometimes, almost immediately as the words come from my mouth, I want to yank them back in. This is because most always I have not thoroughly thought about what I am about to say before I actually speak. Instead, I just blurt out whatever comes to mind, and without a line to pull them back in, things can become quite embarrassing, destructive, and chaotic to say the least.
Once while working the counter at Shopaholics Palace, a slightly pregnant woman came to me looking for the new diamond covered pacifiers. I smiled as I guided her through the aisles and asked “When are you due?” She giggled at my apparent mix up and said, “I had Jonathan last week!” I looked at her belly and said with no thought at all, “Oh, so how long will it take to get rid of Prego-belly?” This is where a nice fishing line would be great because the look on her face was a mix of disbelief and raw disgust. Now any normal person would have stopped there, but not me. I tried to back peddle the best I could, saying something about how breastfeeding helps shrink the tummy, and not to worry because at least it was winter and sweatshirts will help camoflage the bulge until summer! Seriously, sensitivity training would not be lost on me. By the time I had finished talking to the new mother she was sobbing so heavily that she had to be escorted to her car by my manager, and was advised to call her husband to drive her home. I was then called into the office where I was given the “Think before you speak - if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” speech for the 2 millionth time before I was allowed to go home for the end of my shift. This is not an exaggeration by any means. This is real life people. Mine. I couldn’t make this up even if I tried.
Anyway, this is not the first time my mouth has gotten the better or me, and most likely won’t be the last. I was born with my mother’s talent of gab, complete with it’s pros and cons. Sure, I can walk into any social setting and fit right in, but give me a couple minutes and I will surely say something that I must quickly fix. I don’t do it on purpose of course, I just believe that honesty is the best policy and sometimes I take it a little too far.